From dark days to a changed heart.
Image courtesy of Divine Ministries, Richlands. 8 September 2024.
I had to go through a process recently that forced me to relive a past experience, that resulted to a dark few years in my life. It’s not necessary to get into the detail but being misrepresented in the media and have my family go through the trauma of my mistake was so painful. I’d never had a street fight or carried myself with anger, and all of a sudden I found myself sitting through court appearances and a three-year parole, because of the way I chose to react to someone who wasn’t worth the fight. My character was dragged through the mud and to be looked at differently from people who knew me, have them turn their backs on me was a new low. To be honest, I questioned if I still wanted to be here and I thought of ending my life.
If you asked me in 2020 if I would ever re-marry, have a family, or trust another employer again, I would laugh and tell you to get lost. I was so broken by my experience that I wasn’t interested in investing into anyone and just kept to myself. I had a weak relationship with God and hardly brought myself to church. Everything was in cruise control mode. I didn’t want to work more than 15 hours a week, all I wanted to do was train if I felt like it, and my mentality going into every fight was to get to the UFC by 30. I didn’t have a real plan and was set back by injury, but I know now that God’s hand was in the timing.
Over the last five years, I’ve grown so much as a man and as a fighter and it’s crazy to think I’d be where I am today. I have become a proud homeowner, gotten married to my beautiful wife, and become a father to an amazing little girl who came as a bonus with her mum. I love praising and worshipping at Divine Ministries in Richlands, and thank God every day for leading me through dark moments. From questioning my value here on earth and thoughts of ending my life, to understanding now that my purpose is bigger than fighting, and my character isn’t defined by one moment.
The funny thing is, a few weeks ago the person who was part of my testimony walked into the TFC gym to sign up for a membership. I was on the mats training when I noticed him and I went over to him. I apologised for the hurt that I caused him. I told him that I moved on, that I’d just gotten married, and that I forgave him for the role he played in the betrayal I literally walked into. I encouraged him to train at the gym if that’s what he wanted to do, and shook his hand before he left the gym. He chose not to pursue a gym membership out of respect, but left knowing he was welcome. I didn’t get an apology or acknowledgement for what he did, and I realised that didn’t even matter to me. I said what I needed to and it was a real moment where Jesus came shining through. I know it was Jesus because if it was purely me I might of let my ego loose.
I believe all of these moments have been opportunities that God put in my way to test if I really truly changed or if I was still living in the hurt of my past. For us Pacific Islander men, it’s so easy to get put in a box or stereotyped because of the way we look. We’re built bigger, maybe we look a bit intimidating, so automatically people can assume we’re the ones in the wrong. For some of us we had it rough growing up and our family situation moulded us into people we’re not proud of. What I learned though over the last 5-6 years is that you don’t have to stay the same person or do the same things if it’s not serving you anymore. I built myself back up on the strength of a church community and a strong wife who wasn’t scared to make me face the truth about myself. If you’re out here confused, finding your way, or struggling with who your identity is as a man, I believe surrounding yourself with the right people and diving into your faith will get you 60% of the way there. The rest is up to you to apply what you learn.
For anyone who needs to hear it. You’re loved, you have talents, and whatever you’re going through there’s always a way forward. Open up to your brothers and your dad, check on each other. You never know who looks strong on the outside but is needing an ear.
